AMERICAN CHRONICLE
Scottish Celebrant Part One:
First Full-Time Professional Funeral Celebrant in Scotland Finds Niche Helping Families
Monday, November 17, 2008 Written by Pam Vetter
"I became a celebrant for a number of reasons but mainly because I was aware that people were not getting the funeral they deserved," professional Celebrant Neil Dorward explained. "I remember a funeral of an aunt. The person leading the service spoke about her 'loving her knitting and her bingo' and everyone in our family said 'since when … this is news to me.' I have attended several funerals where I thought, 'You know, I just don't recognise the person who is being spoken about up there.' Why is this? Is it lack of research at the family interview? It is a lack of understanding how powerful a funeral is and its ability to heal people. You only get one chance to do a funeral; you can't get facts wrong or names wrongs."
Neil understands the importance of funerals as he's been helping families for three years in Scotland.
"I know of several funeral directors who say they know exactly what will be said at a funeral because certain officients say almost the same things at EVERY FUNERAL; the impression that is given is that this is the same funeral as the last time, only the name has changed. This is unacceptable," Neil stressed. "Everyone deserves the best funeral possible by people who want to do the best for the family and have made this their vocation in life. The funeral must be delivered by properly trained, accredited celebrants and people who have been trained in the art of public speaking. When it comes to my funeral, I hope the celebrant will speak with passion and sincerity and leave people feeling 'that was the best funeral I have ever attended.'"
Within the community that Neil serves in Fife, Pittenweem and many parts of central Scotland, families, particularly those who have little or no connection with established churches, are warmly receiving his services.
"More and more people today are willing to state exactly what they want to take place at a funeral of their loved ones. At the end of the day, the family's needs, wants and wishes come first. This is arguably the most important day in that person´s life and families want to know they are being listened to and respected. I receive hundreds of letters and emails from families telling me thanks with sentiments such as:
1. You showed great compassion and made it so easy for us to talk about our dad and remember the good times.
2. We all felt that we'd helped to contribute and were included in his final send off. Where normally we would have been somber and heavy-hearted, we felt happy to talk about him and we were finally ready to let him go.
3. All went well just the way mum wanted it to go.
4. Many thanks for your most excellent manner in which you conducted the service for our dad, you reached the same emotional level of the large audience and spoke with great sincerity and passion.
5. You made such a difficult day a whole lot easier. My Dad would have loved it. He would have loved the humour, the phone ringing and even a round of applause.
6. Just a few words to thank you for the excellent Service you afforded my son - everybody at the Service who knew him thought it was spot on. Other people who did not know him - my own personal friends etc - said they felt they knew him after the sensitive way you put his personality across. After all words on a piece of paper only have the desired impact when expressed by someone such as yourself. This is why my family prefer a Civil Ceremony - the Service is about the person we are grieving and you did us proud - we are deeply indebted to you.
"I have so many stories like this which answer the question about whether families are receptive to civil funerals or not," Neil noted. "I once got a call from a Funeral Director. 'Please Neil, can you help us out, a church officient was initially asked to do this service but the family were so appalled that the individual only spent fifteen minutes with the family, asked very few questions about their dad and left. The funeral is in 48 hours, can you help?' I am pretty sure that phone call came in about 4pm in the afternoon, I was on my way home for supper but turned back straight away to visit the family. I spent around an hour and a half with the family and simply listened to them and how they wanted their dad's life to be celebrated. That's all they wanted, someone to listen to them and to respect them. When a celebrant visits a family he or she is basically 'on their side.' They are not there to promote religious teachings or humanistic philosophy, they simply want to give the family the service they want and need. There is no hidden agenda, no preaching. The service is created 'bottom up' rather than 'top down' and that means the families wishes are respected above all else."
Neil always delivers exactly what the family requests. Once when he was called to a family home, it was clear that the family knew exactly what they wanted.
"I was informed that the service was to last no more than 3-5 minutes. Now there is within all of us a temptation to say to a family 'But wouldn't you like this? Why not do that?' I almost felt as if I was short changing the family by writing a five minute service and by having a family interview that last ten to fifteen minutes. So I gave the family the service they asked for. I did not judge, I merely served and conducted the service exactly as they had requested. Three weeks later, I received a beautiful hand written note from the family thanking me for the lovely service and substantial 'gift' inside. Need I say more about how a celebrant can make a difference?"
As each story shared is diverse, depending upon the life of the decedent, Neil offers a listening ear by allowing a family the space to talk as much or as little as they want. The result of being in tune with the family appears in the funeral service.
"I was speaking to a professional speaker at a funeral recently and he said one of the great things about Civil Funerals is that the material is different every single time. It is a true privilege to be invited into someone´s home and for them to open their hearts on such things as 'Why they deeply loved their dad?' 'What was it about their mum they were so proud of?' and 'What will always make them laugh and smile?' Sometimes the stories families share are incredibly funny and on the day of the funeral I have literally had people rolling in the aisles with laughter. Not that it is our job to 'entertain'. We are there simply to paint the best picture possible of the deceased and most importantly, by the way we deliver the message, with warmth, authenticity and passion we almost 'bring the deceased to life' if you pardon the expression. In my three years, I have covered every story imaginable from families tragically bereaved through murder to families whose dad was a natural comedian and wanted everyone to leave the funeral with a tea bag as he (the deceased) wanted the congregation to 'have a drink on him' at the funeral – boom boom!" Neil shared. "Although not at my funeral, I heard a story of woman who instead of having flowers that said 'Just married' in the back of the car said 'Just Dead.' She also had the most amazing collection of shoes and again like tin cans trailing behind a wedding car had all her shoes trailing behind her hearse – and why not? I have been asked to sing songs and tell stories with inoffensive swearing in them. That is our job to celebrate the life story of someone who was clearly loved by that family.
"A celebrant is someone who is trusted. They are entrusted with the precious life story and are asked to skilfully deliver that story as the family's advocate. A funeral is one of the few days in someone's life that cannot be repeated," Neil reminded. "I also firmly believe that celebrants should be diplomatic, calm, tactful and humble. It's not about me being a 'performer'; it's about the family, every time. Although in saying that a professional celebrant is a performer and an artist and every funeral must be his or her 'best performance'."
In serving both religious and non-religious families, Neil will honor a family's wishes. If a family asks for no religious references, he delivers exactly what they want. In turn, if a family requests prayers, scripture or for religious elements to be added to a service, he will also honor the request.
"One of the things I enjoyed about doing the Diploma in Civil Funeral Celebrancy from the International College of Celebrancy in Australia is that it gave me the opportunity to outline the social, political and legal differences between Scotland and Australia. During the course, I argued that, unlike Australia, the starting point for celebrants in Scotland is not secularism but simply where the family are at. The family may be religious, semi-religious, lapsed or non-religious. There is no starting point except the family's wishes and beliefs. It is very common to interview a family and find a variety of beliefs and faiths in the one room. I have had occasions where the deceased was a church goer, the widower was an atheist, one son was an agnostic and one daughter was 'neutral'. Whose needs come first?-well everyone's. That is the great thing about Civil Funerals you can tailor the service to meet all of these needs and everyone feels respected and listened to. I am very happy to sing hymns, say prayers or read from the scriptures. But equally I am happy to have the Monty Python song 'Always look on the bright side of life', have an eight-year-old granddaughter read a poem she wrote for her grandma and have the deceased best friend offer their own tribute. Anything and everything is possible …I think! Why make the day more difficult than it needs to be? Why come into the family home, as the officient, and make your needs more important than the family's needs. I am the servant, I am the spokesperson, I am facilitator – I am there to give the family the service they deserve."
A second article in the series about Celebrant Neil Dorward's work is available
Scottish Celebrant Part Two: Professional Celebrant Embraces "Everything Goes" Attitude in Funeral Service by Serving a Family's Needs.
Scottish Celebrant Part Two: Professional Celebrant Embraces "Everything Goes" Attitude in Funeral Service by Serving a Family's Needs
Written by Pam Vetter
October 09, 2008
"A celebrant is called to listen to the family's needs and wants," professional Celebrant Neil Dorward reminded. "We do not judge, we are sensitive to complex family dynamics, we are open to all possibilities and in my experience can offer genuine opportunities for healing because we allow people to be as honest as they want to be. I have had many occasions when family members were struggling to forgive the deceased for something they may have done in the past but because they were allowed the opportunity to 'create' the words, an opportunity to write words of forgiveness and peace – for the deceased and themselves. Sometimes this is incredibly moving."
Fortunately, Neil also has a natural talent for singing. His attitude is everything goes at a funeral service whether the songs requested are religious hymns or secular tunes.
"I would say that I am asked to sing a hymn in at least 50% of services I lead and that 90% of these same services have secular music. Everything from Johnny Cash's 'Ring of Fire' to Eva Cassidy's 'Over the Rainbow'. I think it is fantastic that families have the opportunity to be involved within the service as much or as little as they want," Neil said. "I would argue that it can help them within the bereavement process when they are allow to be the final judges of what will or will not be said at the funeral. That is why the email system is great. It allows the family a few days before the service to add, change or delete anything from the celebrant's draft. There may on occasion an inner voice in me that say: Oh my God the family have asked for everyone in the congregation to join in the singing of Frank Sinatra's 'My Way' – take a reality check, it ain't my funeral, it's theirs, full stop."
Certainly, every celebrant funeral service that Neil conducts is different and meaningful. Neil describes a few of his services that stand out for their poignancy or memorable moments:
1. Funeral of a young man where the stories were incredibly funny and the deceased got a round of applause
2. The man who insisted we play the Elvis song '(you're) the devil in disguise'
3. I love the time, for example when the deceased went to a fancy dress party and she went dressed up in a burial shroud, its true, an actual burial shroud and then at the bottom of her ankles and feet she had all the orange flames made from cardboard and do you know what she called herself – death warmed up.
4. Funeral where I was asked to sing the song 'The sun has got his hat on HIP HIP HIP HURRAY'
5. Funeral where I was asked to toast the lady with a nice glass of red wine (I used Ribina / grape juice)
6. Extremely difficult funeral of woman who died in childbirth
7. Funeral of young boy who died and I read out a letter from his that day, I genuinely cried myself
8. Funeral of any motorbiker and 30 motorbikes revving their engines in respect- again this deeply moves me
9. Funeral where I was verbally assaulted by a Church Minister who told me (at the end of the service) that this was the worst funeral he had ever been to in his life and that I was a disgrace. All because there was in this particular funeral no mention of God and no reading from the bible. He was one of the mourners yet thought he knew best and that it wasn't a proper funeral. I was blown away by his attack but when it happened the second time I simply asked the Minister to question the widower as to why there was no religion in the service for his wife that day. Needless to say he didn't say anything. I was astounded how anyone could come along to another funeral and judge another family's wishes and beliefs. The incredulity of anyone judging how someone else wishes their loved ones life to be remembered and celebrated left me speechless.
Unique in his approach, Neil offers families a draft of the funeral prior to the day of service because he believes families are entitled to be involved. He encourages other celebrants around the world to honor the family's input.
"One of the main reasons for giving the service to the family in advance is that it helps us, the celebrant, avoid any mistakes on the day. How do you know that the information you were given on the day is 100% accurate? What if people in the family accidentally gave you misinformation and you repeat that on the day. The email system is great from the celebrant's point of view to avoid errors that he or she may not be aware of. The least we can do is offer a choice. The world of funerals is a changing. We are facilitators and animators of the family's wants; we should never ever be tempted to think we know best. Yes, families very often look for our advice and guidance, but ultimately they know best. They knew the person who died, I didn't. I would agree that most families want ownership," Neil supported. "In the vast majority of my services, 10% of what I write in a draft is changed when the family sends it back to me. Sometimes it is very small but significant details. Change a word here and there, add in an additional story etc. Even if they changed 95% of it, all I do is eat pie of the humble variety. If we interview a family for a couple of hours, we still won't get everything written down and hear every story. How many times has a family said 'You know two minutes after you left our house we thought of something else'. What if you left in something inappropriate or excluded something vital. Can´t say it any clearer than this DO NOT DENY THE FAMILY ANYTHING. It only takes seconds to send an email and families don't want surprises. They want comfort, compassion, sincerity, relationships of trust. What can a celebrant do if the family hates what he or she has just said at the funeral? It's too late to take the words back. While 'Standards of Excellence' should be set by national associations, these standards must be reviewed and compared to what is going on in other parts of the world."
As a result of his investment in feedback, Neil finds the families are grateful.
"My standards are simple. Phone comes from Funeral Directors and I phone the family that night to arrange a family visit. I try my best to visit the next day and certainly within 24 hours. That very night the service is written and sent straight away by email. If no email, it is hand delivered or emailed to a family friend or the funeral directors and the family can pick it up from there. I give the family maximum amount of time possible to review and change the draft. They send it back and their edit is final," Neil said. "The entire service is sent, every word, within hours of meeting the family. At times it means I write till midnight but that's the way I do it. The email or letting the family see the service in advance is VITAL because they know the deceased best. What if I get a fact wrong, could be simple stuff. I had a family meeting last week, did my stuff and was told with minutes to go by the widow, 'Oh my lasting memory of John was that he said – love you Patsy'. For the entire meeting I had called that lady 'Pat' – which was correct, she was known to everyone as Pat but her dearest and most special friend on this earth on the odd occasion called her 'Patsy' – small but very significant point. Time and time again small details get changed within the draft. Or things get removed. A family may tell you a funny story that pokes gentle fun at a certain member of the family and everyone in the family wants this story to be told because 'Old Aunt Maude' isn't coming to the funeral. Then with hours to go the news comes in that she is coming after all – quick sounds the bugler – take that story out. There have been occasions when I have been handed bits of paper as the family all arrive at the crematorium and I have been told with seconds to go to add or remove some small detail."
For Neil and his work, the family comes first. As a result, families deeply appreciate the opportunity to see what will be said in the funeral.
"It can bring peace to them knowing what will be said is right and proper, it can ease the anxiety levels and help them through the bereavement process. The family is still grieving; there is no need to add any more anxiety or surprises. I simply cannot understand why you would not let the family see the service in advance. Do people turn up at weddings not knowing what vows they will exchange and just hope the celebrant will say the right words – no they do not. If people spend months and years preparing for a wedding why not help the family in every possible way prepare for the funeral?"
Is the funeral service the final act of love?
"Yes and no. Not all funerals are about love. Not everyone in the family may have loved the deceased. The funeral may be done out of duty," Neil admitted. "I have certainly conducted funerals for 'long lost uncles' where the only surviving relative is a second cousin removed and they know very little about the deceased, but they organise the funeral out of duty and respect. I have also conducted funerals for the so-called 'scoundrels' and 'marginalised' of society and have felt at a family interview as if no one had a good word to say about them. But even in such cases there is normally at least one person who loved them and in that sense I have a duty to make the funeral a final act of love for them. There is bad in every good man and good in every bad man and everyone, no matter what, deserves dignity and respect at the end of their life. Most of the funerals I however conduct focus on this area of love and friendship and I would argue that the greatest act of love is to allow the family to decide how that person´s life will be celebrated. I would further argue that greatest act of love the living can do for their family is to write down details of their life story, pen a few thoughts on how they would like to be remembered and then to leave that A4 bit of paper in amongst the will so that when the day comes the family at least know how the deceased felt about their own life and how they would like to be remembered."
Neil's approach is to make the celebrant funeral service authentic in representation of the decedent's life story and beliefs.
"My job is to paint the most authentic picture possible. Granted the family may be giving you slightly sanitised biographical details, but that's Ok. No one needs to air their dirty washing in public. I would argue that a Civil Funeral is the MOST authentic kind of funeral you can have, as there is no preaching of religious teaching or humanist philosophy. Authenticity depends greatly on the celebrant's ability to write creatively and speak passionately and I would argue that 'how' the words are delivered by the celebrant is central to making the service authentic. The celebrant cannot come over as if the service is being read, eye contact and empathetic body language must be superb and the celebrant has to speak to the hearts and souls of the grieving family not just their ears and minds."
There are many traditions in Scotland and Neil provides a family with choices.
"I offer families the option of wearing a kilt or a business suit, again the family's needs come first. Other traditions that are very common here in Scotland include the playing of bagpipes and lots of rain!! If you are conducting a funeral at a graveside in Scotland – bring your umbrella!!"
For more information on Neil Dorward